Fergie In A Blender / Under The Influence Of Giants

It’s been four score and seven minutes since I last updated the Cylinder. I don’t have much of an excuse for my absence, other than the fact that the wind simply disappeared from my sails, which left me struggling to find a port suitable for the girth of Goulet’s Love Boat (yes, I did make a cameo on the ill-fated series in the 70s).

After months of introspection, I now realize that it is futile to live in the glory days of overflowing mammaries and bountiful bedside pharmaceutical bowls; I must shake off the doldrums of ice and snow and pray for the global warming phenomenon to rear its ugly head. Oh sweet, delicious iceberg, how you melt in my mouth like an aspiring showgirl…

Alas, Goulet has been quite productive during these winter months. Now I shall follow the Astrological path of Nostradomus while paying homage to the genius of Richard Johnson of PageSix fame. I love little baby lambs, so in hopes of overseeing herds of these scantily-clad creatures in due time, I hereby present the feather that will tickle the lion’s most sensitive nerve endings into a menacing roar. Or a horrifying meow…



Various Artists - Fergie In A Blender (Goulet's Self-Indulgent Clusterf*ck)

This one is easy to explain. I simply threw 20 darts at my record collection and vowed to include a sample from each pierced jacket in this subsequent cluster-f*ck. However it does not end there. As a result of this twisted mess, I am planning a benefit that will feature a live performance of this overwrought, self-indulgent ego-stroke to benefit my favorite charity, MABS (Moms Against Breast Sag), which provides enhancement to those who have been ravished by the risks of self-provided child nourishment (SPCN). It’s an epidemic that’s affected millions of mothers around the globe, and I urge you to give what you can. And, yes, that is the Barney Miller theme.






Under The Influence Of Giants - Mama’s Room (Goulet’s Bandito Mezcla)

This remix was influenced by the Golden Girls, Andre the Giant and a trip to Cuba on THC Airlines. Have you traveled with them before? I highly recommend it. It’s like Virgin Airlines for those who are definitely NOT virgins. Free Love in the sky, my little pogo stick.

NY Fashion Week Playlist

I’ve heard that fashion is simply the art of buying clothes you don’t need, with money you don’t have, to impress people that you don’t even like. Now if that’s not sexy, I don’t know what is. However I think that this criticism is a bit harsh; after all, I would argue that if it works for overweight punch-buggies smuggling tires in spandex, then I must applaud its merits. Touche Fashion!!!
Now check out a sampling of the music that shook vanity to its knees….

Marchesa Fall 07 - a frightening marriage of Jesus & Mary Chain, The Good, The Bad & The Queen, Clockwork Orange, Portishead, The Smiths, Heart, Requiem For A Dream, Death In Vegas, Led Zeppelin, Pan's Labyrinth, Pink Floyd & Tricky.

Music from Marchesa Fall 07 Presentation

Diane Von Furstenberg Fall 07 - pop sugar goes to Spain, amigo. Audrey Hepburn, Robin Thicke, Coco Electrik, Mika, Domino, Rossi De Palma, Lady T & Lionel Richie Flamenco Styleeeee.....

Music from Diane Von Fursternberg Fall 07 Show

A coming of age story...

At the behest of a friend who shares a similar love of all things sordid, I purchased the New York Times Bestseller "Confessions Of A Video Vixen." I don't know where Karrine Steffans found time to hone her craft between all the Rusty Trombones and Cellophane Surprises, but this girl writes like Emily Dickenson with a belly-full of Shakespeare's offspring. I could go on and on, but I'll let the text speak for itself:


On Vin Diesel:

"Reminiscent of a scene from Gone With The Wind, he pressed his lips firmly against mine, then as they parted, our tongues touched and then danced. I melted in his mouth as the sun began to set over Zuma Beach. I wanted to feel my skin and soft, round breasts against his hard, lean muscles. I wanted more than I could have at that moment, but what he was giving me was powerful just the same."

On Jay-Z:

"I felt comfortable around him and felt that it was all right for me to accept his invitation to take a ride with him down from the house and onto the beach. We hopped in the back of his chauffer-driven Mercedes S55 and took the windy road back to the shore of Zuma Beach. We continued to talk for a while until his driver parked on the beach and exited the vehicle. After a few moments of silence, Jay pulled out his penis, covered it with a condom and placed his hand on the back of his head. I was being a good girl, thanking him and proving my worthiness of the kindness he had shown."

On Bobby Brown:

"We had lunch at beachfront restaurants, in plain view of the world, and on one occasion, we fed each other raw oysters for two hours at a popular seafood restaurant close to the Santa Monica pier. He never missed an opportunity to tell me he loved me, and my eyes would dance as I returned the notion. But there were still many things about Bobby that worried me."

I'd live with the bad teeth to be a Brit....

Why does it seem that the publishers of American music magazines are of the Jerry's Kids ilk? Because they are, my young patriot. That's why I tune into the Brits for all of the latest dirt. Wanna know how many doodies Pete Dougherty did today? NME (answer: none cos the H binds him up). A sense of humor? Q. Reviews? Mojo.

You might be saying to yourself, "Goulet - I REALLY like Blender! They give me ALL the news about Gnarls Barkley!" For starters, you probably prefer the American version of The Office to that of the Brits. And you're probably a fat kid whose trailer is decorated by the sweet smell of candy bar residue.

A few examples of the American press juggernaut:

From Blender:


Well, you kind of are a handjob, Dane, so I guess that makes Blender a collective of handjobs for actually putting you in their magazine. I typed in "dane cook sucks" in Google and guess what I found? A website named - you guessed it - danecooksucks.com. Wow. This mag should be called "Blunder."




From URB:

First of all, the word "HOLLA" was put to rest a long time ago, chico. We need to find you a new word, one that's NOT as played as your dirty skeevies. And the review? I'm surprised that your house has not been torched for comparing Hot Chip to the Beatles. You just peed on the graves of every Brit that has ever passed beans-and-toast inspired gas, my friend. Touche.

And on the Brit side....

From Q:




Now that's some funny shit. Period. And it really does make you think - wouldn't someone as high-maintenence as Mariah Carey afford herself a nice WAX from time to time? Apparently not, which makes her an enemy of the State of Goulet. Tisk, tisk Mariah. Well done, Q.







From NME:


Again, the Brits show their flair for prose. Commenting on a poster that was included with NME (how many American mags do that? Not since Bananas and Scott Baio!!!!), the Brits want answers. Which makes me think: It would take a lot of dirty fingernails for Kate Moss to register a Courtey Love score on the Stank-O-Meter. But that doesn't preclude Courtney from doing a little modeling on her own....