Goulet's Music Conspiracy Theories

THEORY #1
Sammy Davis, Jr: Shot Dead By The Cast Of George Orwell’s “Animal Farm”

Allegedly, Sammy Davis, Jr. died on May 21, 1988 from throat cancer. This was simply a cover-up. In this stunning audio tape that was secretly recorded that night in Las Vegas, you will hear the shocking truth.


Or download it:
Sammy Davis Jr. Killed by Animal Farm


Pretty crazy shit, huh? Don't ask me where I got it. Just know that it came from a coked up ex-cop who lives under an assumed name in Reno. So why did the cast overthrow Sammy? Let me explain:

“Animal Farm” was published in 1946. The “farm” represented Communism, with Mr. Jones (the farmer) portraying Czar Nicholas (the old regime) and Napoleon the pig representing the “new” Communism of Stalin. I could go into more detail, but you’ve had a long day and you look tired. Suffice it to say that the animals led a pretty sweet life after the book was published. Communism was flourishing, McCarthy was on a witch hunt, Napoleon had an incident named after him in Cuba (the Bay of Pigs) and the USA was on edge. During the Cold War the animals were rock stars, complete with a never-ending supply of Charlie and a brothel full of hot Russian models.

However, things started to change in the 80s. Russia’s economy was in shambles and it simply couldn’t afford the arms race. The wave of democracy swept thru the bloc and then the wall came down. And everyone wanted their MTV with a side of Big Mac.

So what the fuck are you talking about, Goulet? A-ha! At this point I present my hypothesis that explains this disturbing event. Towards the end of the 80s, the cast of “Animal Farm” realized that Communism was about to die. They were old, but they had to make a statement. A big one. They looked to America. “Hmmm,” they thought. “Vat person represents ze ‘Amedikan Dream’?” screamed Napoleon. They turned on their television (yes, Commies watched TV) only to happen upon “Cannonball Run II” (yes, they only got bad TV). And there he was. Sammy Davis Jr. Napoleon’s eyes lit up. Here he saw the perfect target: a Jewish African-American that graced the big screen and the Vegas stage. If that’s not an “only-in-America” moment, I’d be hard-pressed to find one. Sammy had to die.

The animals hopped the next cargo ship to America and booked a suite under the assumed name “JT Leroy” at the Sands. After a few drinks and a round of poker, they made their move. First they dosed the audience with high-powered LSD so they wouldn’t find an animal ambush to be out of place. They’d think it was just a bad dream. The KGB is so sneaky! As Sammy introduced the band, the animals slowly swarmed the stage, overpowered Sammy and pulled the trigger. They got away. Ever try to catch a greased pig? Tragic. In the audio tape, you’ll hear Sammy’s voice start to deteriorate, thus the assertion that he died of throat cancer. Not true. This is actually the sound of Moses (The Crow) in Sammy’s esophagus. Listen at your own risk!