Coach + Ella =

Ooooh I’ve got that burning sensation again. But this time it’s not from that girl Sophie from Pigalle. No, it’s just that I’m sitting in a field in Indio, CA while the sun whittles my senses down to a dull pile of bio-degradable nonsense. God DAMN it is hot!!!!

Yes, there was a lot of hype around some of the bands that performed at Coachella 2006. Then Hard-Fi and The Subways cancelled. Wankers. Fret not, my pretty little flower; there was still enough music for even the most seasoned NME-reading, Pitchfork-gazing, body-by-Vice, tube-sock-wearing disciples to choose from.

And now for the awards…

PLEASE HAMMER DON’T HURT EM award:
Wolfmother. That’s all you need to know, skippy. They stuck their feet so far up everyone’s rumps that it felt like a night in Fire Island. Channeling the fury of Zeppelin, the vocal acrobatics of Geddy Lee and the ‘fro of Richard Simmons, this Aussie trio brought more pain than a kidney stone. “Who can it be knocking at my door?” Actually, they just kicked your fuckin’ door down, Colin. ROOOCCKKK!!!!

OK YOU JUST MAY HAVE LIVED UP TO THE HYPE award:
Gnarls Barkley. You know that song. Crazy. Number One downloaded blah blah blah. Frankly, I try not to get swept up in all the media frenzy, but suffice to say that Gnarls made me forget about that duo from Atlanta - - you know the one with the guy from Be Cool aka Get Shorty II? What's his name? Backed by a full band, backup singers and a string section (all dressed as characters from The Wizard Of Oz, nonetheless) Cee-Lo and Danger Mouse’s Memphis-meets-psychadelic rock-hop set whipped the crowd into a frenzied orgy complete with naked midgets and pudding. At least that’s what I think I saw. The 45 min set was perfect; I’m not sure if I could’ve handled another set of Cee-Lo. No offense, but I think he was a wee bit excited and peed his pants.

TRANSCENDING THE HIPSTER BANDWAGON award:
Tie: Yeah Yeah Yeahs / Bloc Party. Say what you want about these kids, but they know how to write snappy tunes and have the stage presence to back it up. And they’ll probably be around for longer than you can say “Primates in Antartica.” Thank you sir, may I have another.

THANK GOD YOU PLAYED IN THE EVENING award:
Daft Punk. Imagine having to wear full space gear in the 100-degree heat. No thank you, mon ami. Dirty, sweaty, grinding, uncontrollable mayhem. No, I’m not talking about Courtney Love’s urine sample. I’m talking about two fine Frenchmen that turned the desert into a 5 million gallon hot tub filled with champale and debauchery. Touche!

TRUE BLUE BALLS award:
Madonna. 20 minutes late. Five songs. Two featuring her on guitar. Sure, her butt looks great, but I think she’s entering the next phase of her career: menopause.

HIGH SCHOOL PEP RALLY award:
The Go! Team. These guys brought me back to the days of Kids Incorporated and cheerleading tryouts. Everyone thought Goulet was a bit fem for being on the cheerleading squad, but I’d rather look up a skirt than take a snap from stinky boy, oui? This band looks like they fell out of a Benetton ad, minus that goofy rugby with the word “Benetton” on it. You know you rocked that, you middle-aged hipcheck! The Go! Team isn’t about crafting unforgettable tunes, but what they lack in the hook department they make up for with their energy and unparalleled eclecticism. Bravo, young lads.

Honorable mention:

NOT YOUR AVERAGE JULIEN LENNON award:
Damien Marley. Proof that roots never die.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOUR SAYING BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE MY FEET CAN’T STOP MOVING award:
Amadou and Mariam. Transcending language barriers and showing everyone that Africa is where it all started.

THANKS FOR THE ALMOST 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN award:
Cat Power. Her set was amazing. Backed by the guys who played on her record, there was only one meandering moment of weirdness. Well done, Ms. Power.

HELP I’M WRAPPED IN GOLD TINFOIL award:
Jake Shears of the Scissor Sisters. But at least it was designer tinfoil.

WHO SAYS YOU NEED A BAND? award:
Tie: Jamie Lidell / Imogen Heap. Can you pronounce her name? I can’t. Don't care. Feed me more.

WHO DID YOU HAVE TO BLOW TO GET IN HERE award:
James Blunt. Product placement at its worst.

PLEASE PLAY ANOTHER SONG FROM YOUR NEW ALBUM award:
Tie: Depeche Mode / Tool. Because they need the money.

LIKE WATCHING PAINT DRY award:
Tie: Sigur Ros / Massive Attack. Look! He moved! Wait…My bad.

HA HA WHITE PEOPLE DANCE FUNNY award:
Kanye West. What a riot. All jokes aside, he tore the place apart.

HUMILITY DOESN’T GROW ON TREES award:
Kanye West. Makes me forget that he tore the place apart.

MISS KITTIN, WHO? award:
Lady Sovereign. One of the most exciting performers in hip hop. Yes, she looks like one of the Spice Girls. Yes, she will beat you to a bloody pulp if you tell her that.

I’M KINDA TIRED. CAB FARE IS ON THE DRESSER award:
Franz Ferdinand. Do do do I really want to? Want to what? Change the channel? Yes, please.

YOU PLAYED TOO DAMN EARLY SO I MISSED YOUR SET award:
Tie: Nine Black Alps, Infadels, White Rose Movement, Be Your Own Pet, Mates of State. But I’m sure you all did fine in the 100-degree, 1 o’clock heat.