50 Cent to star in Hammer of the Gods

So I spoke with Senator Tang the other day. You still haven’t met him? Your bad. Just don’t mention his name if you ever find yourself hanging by your genitalia in a Thai prison. Tang tells me that a rogue group of South Korean film students are currently filming the big screen adaptation of “Hammer Of The Gods,” the unofficial Led Zeppelin biography. In case you haven’t read it, there’s a scene where the band catches a mud shark from the window of their bayside hotel in Seattle after a show, circa 1978. Like good Christian boys, they turned the shark into a rabbit, which was then used to penetrate the innocence of a very suspecting (and willing) groupie. Minnows for foreplay? Tang tells me that 50 Cent, who apparently received numerous Korean awards for his stunning portrayal of Johnny Cash, has been chosen to play the groupie. I tried to tell him that 50 wasn’t Johnny Cash, but Tang threatened to gouge out his own eyes if I didn’t acquiesce. As further evidence, he gave me this photo and recording, both taken from the infamous shark scene. When I saw the horrified expressions of Mobb Deep and heard the Deliverance homage at the end of the track, I knew Tang was right again. You go, Tang.

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