I'd live with the bad teeth to be a Brit....

Why does it seem that the publishers of American music magazines are of the Jerry's Kids ilk? Because they are, my young patriot. That's why I tune into the Brits for all of the latest dirt. Wanna know how many doodies Pete Dougherty did today? NME (answer: none cos the H binds him up). A sense of humor? Q. Reviews? Mojo.

You might be saying to yourself, "Goulet - I REALLY like Blender! They give me ALL the news about Gnarls Barkley!" For starters, you probably prefer the American version of The Office to that of the Brits. And you're probably a fat kid whose trailer is decorated by the sweet smell of candy bar residue.

A few examples of the American press juggernaut:

From Blender:


Well, you kind of are a handjob, Dane, so I guess that makes Blender a collective of handjobs for actually putting you in their magazine. I typed in "dane cook sucks" in Google and guess what I found? A website named - you guessed it - danecooksucks.com. Wow. This mag should be called "Blunder."




From URB:

First of all, the word "HOLLA" was put to rest a long time ago, chico. We need to find you a new word, one that's NOT as played as your dirty skeevies. And the review? I'm surprised that your house has not been torched for comparing Hot Chip to the Beatles. You just peed on the graves of every Brit that has ever passed beans-and-toast inspired gas, my friend. Touche.

And on the Brit side....

From Q:




Now that's some funny shit. Period. And it really does make you think - wouldn't someone as high-maintenence as Mariah Carey afford herself a nice WAX from time to time? Apparently not, which makes her an enemy of the State of Goulet. Tisk, tisk Mariah. Well done, Q.







From NME:


Again, the Brits show their flair for prose. Commenting on a poster that was included with NME (how many American mags do that? Not since Bananas and Scott Baio!!!!), the Brits want answers. Which makes me think: It would take a lot of dirty fingernails for Kate Moss to register a Courtey Love score on the Stank-O-Meter. But that doesn't preclude Courtney from doing a little modeling on her own....