Goulet's Music Conspiracy Theories

THEORY #1
Sammy Davis, Jr: Shot Dead By The Cast Of George Orwell’s “Animal Farm”

Allegedly, Sammy Davis, Jr. died on May 21, 1988 from throat cancer. This was simply a cover-up. In this stunning audio tape that was secretly recorded that night in Las Vegas, you will hear the shocking truth.


Or download it:
Sammy Davis Jr. Killed by Animal Farm


Pretty crazy shit, huh? Don't ask me where I got it. Just know that it came from a coked up ex-cop who lives under an assumed name in Reno. So why did the cast overthrow Sammy? Let me explain:

“Animal Farm” was published in 1946. The “farm” represented Communism, with Mr. Jones (the farmer) portraying Czar Nicholas (the old regime) and Napoleon the pig representing the “new” Communism of Stalin. I could go into more detail, but you’ve had a long day and you look tired. Suffice it to say that the animals led a pretty sweet life after the book was published. Communism was flourishing, McCarthy was on a witch hunt, Napoleon had an incident named after him in Cuba (the Bay of Pigs) and the USA was on edge. During the Cold War the animals were rock stars, complete with a never-ending supply of Charlie and a brothel full of hot Russian models.

However, things started to change in the 80s. Russia’s economy was in shambles and it simply couldn’t afford the arms race. The wave of democracy swept thru the bloc and then the wall came down. And everyone wanted their MTV with a side of Big Mac.

So what the fuck are you talking about, Goulet? A-ha! At this point I present my hypothesis that explains this disturbing event. Towards the end of the 80s, the cast of “Animal Farm” realized that Communism was about to die. They were old, but they had to make a statement. A big one. They looked to America. “Hmmm,” they thought. “Vat person represents ze ‘Amedikan Dream’?” screamed Napoleon. They turned on their television (yes, Commies watched TV) only to happen upon “Cannonball Run II” (yes, they only got bad TV). And there he was. Sammy Davis Jr. Napoleon’s eyes lit up. Here he saw the perfect target: a Jewish African-American that graced the big screen and the Vegas stage. If that’s not an “only-in-America” moment, I’d be hard-pressed to find one. Sammy had to die.

The animals hopped the next cargo ship to America and booked a suite under the assumed name “JT Leroy” at the Sands. After a few drinks and a round of poker, they made their move. First they dosed the audience with high-powered LSD so they wouldn’t find an animal ambush to be out of place. They’d think it was just a bad dream. The KGB is so sneaky! As Sammy introduced the band, the animals slowly swarmed the stage, overpowered Sammy and pulled the trigger. They got away. Ever try to catch a greased pig? Tragic. In the audio tape, you’ll hear Sammy’s voice start to deteriorate, thus the assertion that he died of throat cancer. Not true. This is actually the sound of Moses (The Crow) in Sammy’s esophagus. Listen at your own risk!

APPLE EARBUDZ MAKE YOU SKELETAL!!!!!!!!

Like, being deaf is so HOT!!!
According to a new study by Dean Garstecki, chairman of Northwestern's communication sciences and disorders department, "the earbuds commonly used by iPod listeners can boost an audio signal by as many as nine decibels -- comparable to the difference in sound intensity between an alarm clock and a lawn mower," Garstecki said. Damn!

Yet, the earbuds do not always fit snugly in the ear, but often allow background noise to seep in, which causes listeners to crank up the volume. In turning up the volume to drown out background noise, however, people "don't realize they may be causing some damage" to their hearing," according to Garstecki.

Damn!!!! No you didn't!!!!! That's what I been saying all along, but mainly because those damn earbuds make people look like assholes. And the sound quality sucks. So, in the spirit of Edison, I would like to recommend the ones I've been using:


These are made by Ultimate Ears and are available at Guitar Center. For $99 bucks they have clean, clear sound, great bass response AND they cancel out noise so you don't have to be that busted-up chump that made me listen to K-FED's new single on the 14A bus today. Most importantly, you won't look like Nicole Richie, because all that noise will make you go deaf so you'll NEVER hear the dinner bell. The pic above proves my point, son.


NEW VIDEO ALERT!!!!!!
Death From Above - "Black History Month" (Sammy Danger Remix)
I like Sebastian and Jesse. I've never met them, but I can still like them, oui? They're a might fine canadian duo that allegedly lives in a gay funeral home that doubles as a midget prison at night. That what I heard, which would explain their name. If "gay" and "midget" were tagged onto the end, that is. Hmm. I've seen them play live before - just bass and drums - and it was pretty wicked. Kinda like the White Stripes but without that dude with the thing or the chick that looks confused. Anyhoot, they recently released an album of remixes - so '05 - but obviously didn't check with Diddy beforehand, because I've heard that he actually invented the remix and therefore holds some sort of copyright. Oh well I hope I didn't get them in trouble. This video is pretty damn sweet, if I must say so myself. Don't worry, I'm not gonna get all Gondry on you and make comparisons. But I can tell you that the director stole some shit from Scorsese, because my film friends tell me that everyone does. So I'm just assuming that it's true.


Feist - One Evening (ReneGouletMezcla)
Yes, it's true. I am a triple threat. Commanding the stage in Vegas, dominating steel cage matches and twidling the knobs with innocent delight. I recently kidnapped Miss Feist's lovely voice, hijacked the Desi Arnaz band, put them in a room and pressed the record button. Look! I even took a picture! Que Magnifique!!! You might call this self-inflicted cronyism (?) but I beg to differ. I am simply letting you into my little world, where the women dance the cha cha cha and the men aren't invited. Touché!

Check it out:

Or download it:
Feist - One Evening (ReneGouletMezcla)